Good afternoon everyone I’m back!! Can’t get rid of me that easily can
you? For the past several weeks I
have pondered the topic of my next blog post. Will it be serious? Sarcastic? Researched?? Finally, I decided on neither of these and instead
will return to a topic that is near and dear to my heart, my cat Jemima
Fish. If you’ve followed this blog
since its inception, you already know I’m a borderline crazy cat lady, if this is
the first of my blog posts you’re reading, I will say that yes, I am definitely
a cat lady. Crazy though? Well, I
don’t think I’m quite there yet, but I will keep you posted. In the mean time, please enjoy these carefully crafted vignettes about life with Jemima.
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| Just look at this little angel! |
Jemima
Tries Being Vegan (for 15 minutes)
Once
upon a time, I walked into a corner store close to my apartment and bought a
bag of goldfish, and a sleeve of Oreos.
The cool air-conditioned interior was a welcome respite from the muggy
summer evening. Walking home in
the dusky light after my small purchase I couldn’t help but fantasize about the
epic chick flick I was going to watch while I devoured these goodies. To this day I no longer remember what
epic chick flick I watched because I was so struck by what Jemima did in the
middle of my movie.
Now,
Jemima has a history of gleefully eating Goldfish (crackers) whenever anyone
leaves any around. This evening I
had painstakingly resealed my own Goldfish bag after every handful, to
prevent Jemima from ingesting any human food, which would undoubtedly wreak
havoc on her digestive system later in the evening. What I also had done, was leave a couple Oreos stacked next
to my laptop completely unattended, because you don’t have to worry about that
chocolate thing with cats, so I was wholly unconcerned with this uncovered,
unwatched food. It was at this
moment that sweet Jemima sprung lightly to the coffee table, sniffed around the
laptop for a few seconds, grabbed one of the Oreos with her little kitty mouth,
and hauled it over to the corner where she devoured the entire cookie. WHAT THE HELL JEMIMA!?!
*Much to my
surprise, Oreos are vegan. This is why the
title of this vignette works.
Even Cats Use Computers
This brutal winter has had the unexpected positive consequence of driving Jemima and myself closer together, physically. Jemima now relatively enjoys being in "closer" proximity to me now because of the heat my body exudes. Lovely, I'll take it, as long as I can delude myself into thinking it's real honest-to-goodness affection. Just the other day she sat with me on the couch, and only left a one-cushion space between us!
As good as the days are, the nights are a slightly different story. Exhausted, I fall into bed, often times leaving my laptop open, my iTunes account working its way through a playlist of Bing Crosby or ambient piano compositions to relax both my mind and body. Just as I'm about to drift off to sleep I hear a horrible thunking-beeping noise and I groggily roll over to see what it is. As I look across my bedroom, I see two shiny eyes staring dreamily back at me, from behind my laptop screen. Jemima perches on my laptop keyboard, and the computer is wigging out because it can't find the file entitled "HJJKJKJJIJNNMMMMMML>>NOPHNKM>>>>">""""""""""""" and the "voice over" command has somehow been activated and now I have a stale-vaguely creepy computer voice narrating to me everything my mouse rolls over. I glance at the clock, which reads 2:38am. Dammit cat, what on earth have you done?? I search my computer for a way to fix everything.
"Opening System preferences," drones the computer voice. Right, first things first I'll figure out how to turn off this stupid voice-over setting. After a little searching, I find that I just have to press "Command-F5".
"Voice over off," says Fred, the computer's voice. Hmmm, maybe I'll change my computer's voice to Zarvox. Done. Nice. Look who's a cool lady now.
Anyway, when I went to turn on my music to help myself fall back to sleep, I find my entire Ambient Piano playlist has been deleted.
My Cat
Likes Potato Chips
Shortly
after my birthday I was reheating a stir-fry for lunch. While the bowl of noodles, fried egg,
and veggies rotated lethargically in the microwave, I was picking away at a bag
of kettle chips left over from my party.
A particularly great chip (you know, where it’s all folded over, crispy
and crunchy like?) fell from the bag and onto my kitchen floor. I’ll
get that later, I thought to myself, and I would too, don’t worry about
that dear reader. However, before
I could “get to it” Jemima had silently approached the chip, sniffed it
tentatively for a few seconds, and proceeded to crunch it all up with her
little kitty teeth. Sighing, I add
“Potato chips” to the list I keep of people food my cat really likes. To date, this includes:
1.
Gold Fish
2.
Ritz Crackers
3.
Milk (from your cereal bowl)
4.
Oreos
5.
Peanut butter (but not cashew butter) toast
6.
Potato Chips
So the moral of the story here is, my cat will eat your
snacks.
Things that Get Knocked Off
Bookshelves in the Night
Jemima has always, and will only ever knock the same four things off my bookshelf at night.
The End.
I Discover
Jemima has a Heart <3
7:00am: I'm sitting on the leftmost couch cushion eating cereal out of a large latte mug, because it definitely tastes better this way.
7:03am: Jemima Fish leaps onto the left armrest with a quiet chirp. Jemima proceeds to climb up and move behind my head on the back of the couch.
7:05am: Jemima Fish jumps onto the middle couch cushion and stares at my lap, sniffing my leg every so hesitantly.
7:07am: Kitty-kins walks quickly over my lap and on to the couch arm rest. Turns in a circle once, then climbs into my lap and sits down.
7:10am: I decide that I would be willing to be late to work if she continues to sit on my lap, because this is an opportunity I simply cannot miss.
Dear reader, I was not late to work, because Jemima did not stay on my lap for very long, but she has since that time become much more cuddly, often burrowing under the covers at night by my stomach and purring ferociously. After years of searching, hoping, dreaming, I now know my cat loves me.
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| Jemima approves of my new accessory |
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